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Subject: Robotron 2084
Robotron is the best game ever made. It is the ultimate pure gaming experience. Released in 1982 it is a very simple game: The player starts in the centre of the screen, surrounded by up to 150 enemies, each with its own behaviour. Some will swarm towards you, some will hug the walls and spawn deadlier enemies, some are indestructible and kill the humans you collect for bonus points.
There are two joysticks: one moves, one shoots. The player can run one direction and shoot in a different direction. There are no buttons, except to start the game.
There's no music, but most things in the game make sounds. Footsteps, explosions, shots fired, humans screaming as they're crushed by Hulks. Cranked loud, the audio is visceral and rewarding.
Here's how I imagine a review would go in the modern world:
There are two joysticks: one moves, one shoots. The player can run one direction and shoot in a different direction. There are no buttons, except to start the game.
There's no music, but most things in the game make sounds. Footsteps, explosions, shots fired, humans screaming as they're crushed by Hulks. Cranked loud, the audio is visceral and rewarding.
Here's how I imagine a review would go in the modern world:
Bah, I got distracted and now i've lost interest. =/Robotron 2084: A review by Needledick Bugfucker.
My review copy of this game arrived from Williams today. I was surprised to find this game comes in a very large wooden box, and it was really hard lugging it up stairs to my apartment. There is an unlockable back panel, but inside the box I could only find some computer parts, bolted to the sides of the box, and what looked to be the guts of an old TV. There were no CDs or cartridges and I could not figure out how to connect it to my plasma screen.
After fiddling with it for a while I found that it had a power cord, and when I plugged it in it made a scary noise, and colourful garbage covered the screen. I thought it was broken, but then it seemed to sort itself out. The title screen appeared and described a brief story about renegade robots and saving the last human families, but I think it was a conceptual failure. I get more story from the back of the box of any Final Fantasy game.
Starting the game turned out to be an ordeal. None of the buttons had any effect except the power switch, so I called Williams and they said I had to put money in the front of the box. There are two illuminated coin slots for this purpose, but I was appalled. Pay to play games? This idea will never fly, it's stupid.
I found some coins and tried it anyway. The game is too hard, it's stupid. There are two joysticks, one to move your character and one to shoot the badguys. It's impossible to get good at this game, I don't think it's completely finished. I was dead by level
![[Image: http://nfggames.com/system/arcade/special.php/b-d/bp-5/y-kof97/z-10/x-What?/.png]](http://nfggames.com/system/arcade/special.php/b-d/bp-5/y-kof97/z-10/x-What?/.png "http://nfggames.com/system/arcade/special.php/b-d/bp-5/y-kof97/z-10/x-What?/.png")