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The best game ever
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Member since May 2011 · 2484 posts · Location: Brisbane
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Subject: Robotron 2084
Robotron is the best game ever made.  It is the ultimate pure gaming experience.  Released in 1982 it is a very simple game:  The player starts in the centre of the screen, surrounded by up to 150 enemies, each with its own behaviour.  Some will swarm towards you, some will hug the walls and spawn deadlier enemies, some are indestructible and kill the humans you collect for bonus points.

There are two joysticks: one moves, one shoots.  The player can run one direction and shoot in a different direction.  There are no buttons, except to start the game.

There's no music, but most things in the game make sounds.  Footsteps, explosions, shots fired, humans screaming as they're crushed by Hulks.  Cranked loud, the audio is visceral and rewarding.

Here's how I imagine a review would go in the modern world:

Robotron 2084: A review by Needledick Bugfucker.

My review copy of this game arrived from Williams today.  I was surprised to find this game comes in a very large wooden box, and it was really hard lugging it up stairs to my apartment.  There is an unlockable back panel, but inside the box I could only find some computer parts, bolted to the sides of the box, and what looked to be the guts of an old TV.  There were no CDs or cartridges and I could not figure out how to connect it to my plasma screen.

After fiddling with it for a while I found that it had a power cord, and when I plugged it in it made a scary noise, and colourful garbage covered the screen.  I thought it was broken, but then it seemed to sort itself out.  The title screen appeared and described a brief story about renegade robots and saving the last human families, but I think it was a conceptual failure.  I get more story from the back of the box of any Final Fantasy game.

Starting the game turned out to be an ordeal.  None of the buttons had any effect except the power switch, so I called Williams and they said I had to put money in the front of the box.  There are two illuminated coin slots for this purpose, but I was appalled.  Pay to play games?  This idea will never fly, it's stupid. 

I found some coins and tried it anyway.  The game is too hard, it's stupid.  There are two joysticks, one to move your character and one to shoot the badguys.  It's impossible to get good at this game, I don't think it's completely finished.  I was dead by level
Bah, I got distracted and now i've lost interest.  =/
BLEARGH
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Member since Nov 2007 · 121 posts
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If Robotron was a girl, you wouldn't marry her, because she only does one thing and you'd get bored of her after a short while, but she'd be the one you keep in touch with to get drunk and do the naughty with fairly regularly.
"...either stop and think or fuck right off" (TheOutrider)
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Member since May 2011 · 2484 posts · Location: Brisbane
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Yeah, but the one thing this girl does is satisfy my cravings happily and with gusto.
BLEARGH
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Member since Oct 2007 · 316 posts
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Lawrence, what's your take on Geometry Wars? That's pretty much the modern equivalent of Robotron, and uses nearly the same control scheme. The only thing that would make it better would be if somebody coded it to run on a vector monitor.
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Member since May 2011 · 2484 posts · Location: Brisbane
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I confess I only played the demo on the 360 for about a week (as long as it took my brand new 360 to die on me...)  I liked it, I want to spend more time with it, but I fear that it'll end up like the rest (Mutant Storm, Smash TV, Total Carnage, et al).  Too many gimmicks, not enough purity.

I loooove vectors.  I miss them.  =(
BLEARGH
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You'd have a very hard time running Geometry Wars on a vector monitor because the beam can only draw a certain length of line before it fades and you'd end up with delay between where the CPU thinks objects are and where the beam last drew them, probably rendering the game unplayable. If someone would make a completely new type of colour vector monitor that could happily fill the whole screen in one frame thereby rendering this limitation void, then we're really talking.
Robotron is great because a non-gamer doesn't need instructions to get going. They may ask questions later such as "what's the point?" or "is there an end?" or "what tricks can I employ?" but you don't need any instructions to get started. That's the mark of a good game. Plus as Lawrence already said, it's one big raucous kaleidoscope of colour and sound.
"...either stop and think or fuck right off" (TheOutrider)
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Member since May 2011 · 2484 posts · Location: Brisbane
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In reply to post #4
Quote by Kendrick on 2007-11-03, 22:11:
Lawrence, what's your take on Geometry Wars?

Now you know!
BLEARGH
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