Diora Baird has the best tits in the known universe. [...] I'm not even joking when I say if my penis got anywhere inside Diora Baird, the top of her head would look like a dolphin's blowhole.

(btw, sorry if that innuendo is hard to understand. I make it a point not to be too graphic)

We can all just go ahead and agree that Britney Spears is a functioning retard, so of course, even with a Spartan army of handlers backstage, her tampon string was hanging out at her show in Anaheim last week. [...] Boy, I can't well until next week when she skins a possum and washes her clothes by a creek or whatever the hell else hillbillies do. I swear, if success was based on actual talent, this daffy bitch would be on the back of a flatbed truck with a microphone taped to a broom handle and a bear in overalls and a straw hat blowing into a jug with X's on it.

Miley Cyrus is almost comically unattractive [...] God knows why this dumb hillbilly is Disney's sacred cow. Especially when the jailbait tiara and Best Achievement in Uncomfortable Erections award clearly goes to Selena Gomez. But don't take my word for it. A critic from The Pedophile Journal-Constitution writes, "If you only masturbate to one underage girl this year, make that girl Selena Gomez!"

this skank looks like something Captain Kirk would fuck. She's like an outer space raccoon hooker.

I really have no idea why anyone wouldn't want to split Megan Fox's hot little ass like an atom. I don't know, I might be oversimplifying it. She's hot, she has something that penises can go into, and my penis likes to go into things. I've been on the whiteboard all day with this, and I'm failing to see holes in this theory.

Kelly Brook has returned like some conquering hero, slaughtering all enemies at the gates of my pants. I'm not even joking when I say I'd hump this chick so fast I'd look like a tuning fork.

Megan Fox could tear my leg off after she finished my liver and there's a good chance I'd probably still cum at some point.

Fitting her ass in regular pants would be like the time I tried to fit my penis in a paper towel roll. There's a good chance they would explode like Maui.

210 diamonds?! What the hell? I'm not an expert on buying engagement rings, but unless he can get to Narnia through this chick's vagina, I'm gonna go ahead and say 210 diamonds might be a little overboard.