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Subject: A handful of short GBA reviews
A few years back I was writing for Official Nintendo Magazine (UK), and my task was to write whatever they told me to. This meant I wrote some long and short reviews for games that were usually quite awful. The following five reviews were one-column quickies for the back of the magazine. All five are for the GBA, and all five pretty much suck ass.
The first two, Crash and Spyro, we released at the same time, and share a lot of similarities. Like, a lot. Hence the reviews shared a lot of similarities:
Spyro the Dragon:
As in previous Spyro games you collect crystals, avoid retracting spikes and flame or jump on enemies. This is standard Spyro fare, it hasn't changed since 1998, so the developers spiced up the game with mysterious portals, each leading to an ugly and boring minigame.
Crash Bandicoot:
As in previous Crash games you collect Wumpa Fruit, avoid retracting spikes, and destroy or jump on different kinds of crates. This is standard Crash fare, it hasn't changed since 1996, so the developers spiced up the game with warp pads, each leading to an ugly and boring minigame.
And the rest:
Gadget Racers:
You've seen it before - 'mode 7' tracks, NES-quality music, vague looking cars and generic parts and so on. There's nothing new to see here, the entire game just screams 'me too!' and is, at best, not a terrible way to pass the time.
Asterix & Obelix XXL:
The polygons bend and warp so fiercely when you get close to them your eyes will be begging to be gouged out long before you finish the first stage. This game is full of invisible walls, identical enemies, cut and paste backgrounds and dodgy control.
Barbie:
There are guards who won't stop you unless they see you and are (!) alerted for some ten full seconds. You can stand still beside them for nine seconds, drop a smoke bomb and they immediately forget you exist.
The first two, Crash and Spyro, we released at the same time, and share a lot of similarities. Like, a lot. Hence the reviews shared a lot of similarities:
Spyro the Dragon:
As in previous Spyro games you collect crystals, avoid retracting spikes and flame or jump on enemies. This is standard Spyro fare, it hasn't changed since 1998, so the developers spiced up the game with mysterious portals, each leading to an ugly and boring minigame.
Crash Bandicoot:
As in previous Crash games you collect Wumpa Fruit, avoid retracting spikes, and destroy or jump on different kinds of crates. This is standard Crash fare, it hasn't changed since 1996, so the developers spiced up the game with warp pads, each leading to an ugly and boring minigame.
And the rest:
Gadget Racers:
You've seen it before - 'mode 7' tracks, NES-quality music, vague looking cars and generic parts and so on. There's nothing new to see here, the entire game just screams 'me too!' and is, at best, not a terrible way to pass the time.
Asterix & Obelix XXL:
The polygons bend and warp so fiercely when you get close to them your eyes will be begging to be gouged out long before you finish the first stage. This game is full of invisible walls, identical enemies, cut and paste backgrounds and dodgy control.
Barbie:
There are guards who won't stop you unless they see you and are (!) alerted for some ten full seconds. You can stand still beside them for nine seconds, drop a smoke bomb and they immediately forget you exist.
BLEARGH